"How've you been?"
When someone asks me that, I answer almost automatically:
"Same as always."
It isn't the same. My chest has been heavy for days, and I keep welling up over nothing. And still, "I'm fine" comes out first.
Has that happened to you?
"I'm fine" isn't a lie
If you tell me "why can't you just be honest," that stings a little.
Answering "I'm fine" isn't an attempt to lie. It isn't a closed-off personality, and it isn't timidity.
It's a long-learned, very fast defense. Not a chosen answer — a word that's already out the moment you're asked.
Why "I'm fine" comes first
Unpack it and here's what's there.
Not wanting to worry them. You've seen a face darken when you shared. Rather than see it again, the body decides it's better to swallow.
Because explaining is too much. To say this properly you'd have to unwind the whole backstory, and you don't have the energy. "I'm fine" ends the conversation right here.
Because the timing's off. "How are you" is usually a passing greeting. Pull out the real thing and the mood turns heavy — so, without meaning to, you bat it back lightly.
And one more. Because you got burned before.
If you once found the courage and got back "well, why'd you do that," from then on the mouth closes first. The learning is done.
So "I'm fine" isn't a lazy answer. It's the result of several calculations finishing in an instant.
But there's one problem
When you say "I'm fine," the other person really believes you're fine. Of course — that's what you told them.
So from then on, no one asks. There's no reason to.
And so, more and more, you have nowhere to say it.
It didn't vanish. You closed the door yourself, each time, with "I'm fine." So you don't get hurt.
You need just one place
This isn't to say open your heart to everyone you meet. That's actually risky.
But you need just one place to set down "I'm not fine."
Before telling a person, put it on paper first. Paper's face doesn't darken, and it doesn't say "why'd you do that."
And don't scold yourself for having answered "I'm fine." It's the way you've protected yourself all this time. Only — if the feeling you swallowed is still there, unable to go anywhere, I hope you set at least that one thing down somewhere.
But sometimes this isn't enough
- If you can't sleep, or can't stop sleeping
- If eating has become hard
- If basic things — washing, cleaning — feel impossible
- If you've thought about hurting yourself
Please don't try to solve this with writing. That's when seeing a professional is right. A record is a tool for sorting your mind, not a treatment. (US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.)
I'm not a mental-health professional. Just someone who's had no one to talk to.
🌲 I'm building Nameless Forest — an anonymous space with no comments and no ratings.
Just a place to write it down. A place where you don't have to say "I'm fine."
https://nameless-forest.com/en?utm_source=blognf&utm_campaign=why-we-say-fine
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