Has someone ever opened up about something hard, and you froze because you had no idea what to say?
Happens to me constantly. A friend finally works up the nerve, and all I can do is run "what am I supposed to say here" on a loop until it comes out as "okay, so here's what you should do." I could tell the room went flat afterward. It took me a long time to understand why.
I once wrote here about telling someone something hard and coming away lonelier. Today is the other side of that conversation — the person who was listening.
Nobody ever taught us how to listen
It's a strange gap when you notice it. Everywhere teaches you how to speak well. Nowhere teaches you how to take someone's hard news. So we fall back on the thing we do know. We try to fix it.
That isn't unkindness. It's the opposite — you care, so you want them out of it fast. The trouble is that the moment "I'm struggling" gets filed as a problem, the person feels their inner life become a ticket to be processed.
They weren't asking for an answer
Saying a hard thing out loud takes nerve. Plenty of people sit on it for days first. And what they wanted, almost always, wasn't the correct answer.
Someone who hears it and doesn't leave. That's the whole thing. Confirmation that what they said wasn't too heavy, that you'll still be there afterward. Which means listening well doesn't take any particular verbal skill. Mostly it's about what you don't do.
So here are four things I only learned by getting them wrong repeatedly.
1. Don't try to fix it
Advice is the first thing to hold back. "Have you tried—" "Honestly, I think you might be overthinking this." You meant to help, but on the receiving end it reads as a signal that you'd like this conversation to wrap up.
What you say instead is shorter than you'd think. "That sounds like a lot." "That must have been rough." "So what happened then?" Three lines and the conversation keeps going. They'll do the solving. Your job is to still be sitting there when they get to it.
2. Don't turn it into your story
"That happened to me too" is a dangerous sentence. You offer it as solidarity, and from the next sentence on the topic has quietly moved to you. The person who just worked up the nerve slides back into listening mode.
If you really do want to share, change the order. Wait until they're done, then ask: "Something similar happened to me — want to hear it?" Asking turns it from taking the floor into handing something over.
3. Don't rule on who was wrong
This is the one I got wrong most often. I thought taking my friend's side was the supportive move. "Honestly, that person sounds awful." It feels satisfying, and it also closes a case in someone else's relationship on their behalf. If they make up next week, they can't bring it back to you.
The other direction is no better. "I'm sure they had their reasons" leaves the person who's hurting standing alone. You don't have to rule either way. Just acknowledge the feeling. "In that situation, of course that stung." Don't judge the people. Take the feeling.
4. Sit through the silence
When the talking stops, we get antsy. A few seconds is all it takes before we shovel something in to fill it. But that silence is usually them choosing their next words. The thing they actually wanted to say tends to come after it.
So wait a beat. Don't look away, don't hurry them. A silence you didn't fill isn't empty air — it's a signal that they can keep going here.
In short
- What they wanted wasn't the right answer but someone who hears it and doesn't leave
- Instead of advice: "That sounds like a lot." "So what happened then?"
- Ask before sharing your own story — hand it over instead of taking the floor
- Don't judge the people, just the feeling. Silence is you making room
And it's okay if you couldn't do it
If reading this brought up a time you handled it badly, that only means you want to listen well. People who listen well aren't naturals. They're people who've gotten it wrong a few times.
Also, when you're at the bottom yourself, you're allowed not to take it on. Absorbing someone's hard day takes room you may not have. On those days, "I don't have much left in me right now — can we talk tomorrow?" is a far more honest answer than listening through gritted teeth.
But sometimes this isn't enough
- If they mention wanting to hurt themselves
- If sleeping, eating, or washing has been impossible for a while
- If absorbing all of it is starting to take you down with them
Please don't try to solve this by listening harder. That's when seeing a professional is the right call. Listening is a way to share what someone carries, not a treatment. (US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.)
I'm not a mental-health professional. Just someone who's had no one to talk to.
🌲 I'm building Nameless Forest — an anonymous space to write things down.
No comments, no ratings. Just a place to set it down.
For the days you couldn't find anyone to listen.
https://nameless-forest.com/en?utm_source=blognf&utm_campaign=how-to-listen
Comments 0
Be the first to comment.